my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
