Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
