forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
