Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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