You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
