so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
