I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
