We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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