Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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