Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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