she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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