sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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