Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
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he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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