this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
