Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
