Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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