I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize