I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Someone came in the potted fern
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
this hospital has no fireball
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
