I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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