how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
