I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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