tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
