The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You were trust falling into bushes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
