Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
