Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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