I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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