so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
