I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
