New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
