Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she peed on how many people?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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