my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
