Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
