Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
