some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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