we're chasing vodka with high fives
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Randomize
