the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
