That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
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Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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