My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
