EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
