At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
