Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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