Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
