i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
