Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
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she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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