You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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