we're chasing vodka with high fives
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
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If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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