im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
