I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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