Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
