Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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