He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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