Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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