There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize