i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
